The national celebration of mothers arrives each May, eliciting feelings of love and appreciation. Greeting card companies, flower shops and telephone companies have prospered thanks to this mother’s day of honor.
What about children who were abused by their mothers? As they grow older, they are overwhelmed with guilt and shame that are heaped on their shoulders by the expectation and demand to honor the mother they don’t even like.
Those who have the courage to endure years of psychotherapy to heal chronic emotional pain soon learn to avoid the toxic relationship that an ailing parent demands. This only fuels the fire of judgment of an ignorant society.
What about the abusive mother? Unfortunately, she doesn’t wear a sign that says, “I starved my son for attention.” She never mentions the years of beatings or the scars she left on her children’s bodies. She doesn’t tell the stories of the young man she regularly brought in to babysit, who left her children bleeding and terrified. Instead, she enjoys playing the victim, announcing that her adult children do not call or visit her. She lives by the compassion and protection she gets from concerned neighbors and acquaintances. She seems like such a nice old lady. In reality, she has had years of practice to hone her tools of deception and keep the truth well guarded.
Children learn what they live. Those who grow up in a loving and healthy environment end up having healthy relationships with their parents. In a safe childhood, love multiplies and turns into respect for all people. These children grow into adults who have strong relationships with other healthy adults, providing a safe and nurturing environment in which to raise children. Adults from healthy and stable childhoods naturally exhibit kindness and compassion for their aging parents.
Hate becomes more hate. Children who are abused or neglected are deprived of the lessons of love. They are doomed to a life cycle of damaged relationships. Trust and faith are fragile and break with every strong breeze. Abused children learn at a very young age that the chance of rescue is rare. Most adults ignore abusive situations as well as cries for help, so the child stops asking. And then the anger takes over. No matter what happens as they get older, asking for help is a lost option. The realistic expectation that encompasses all of life has been set: I am alone in this world.
When the child becomes an adolescent or adult, the abusive mother often changes the style of abuse. She now gathers people to fill her arsenal and uses them as weapons, turning them against her victimized offspring. Family members turn on each other, their relationships poisoned by the abuser’s poisonous lies. The more baffled she can keep people, the less likely the family secret will be revealed.
Do you know any parents who are ignored by their adult children? Do you know any adults who stay away from their parents for long periods of time? When you hear the reasons why, this time listen differently. Listen without judging. Do not listen with the image of your loving mother in your head. Mothers who love are loved in return.