Sometimes I hear from people who expected a proposal at a certain time, but now they are disappointed that the proposal never happened. They often wonder where this leaves them when they have made it clear that the proposal was expected.
I heard from a young woman who said, “My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years. We met in college and have been inseparable ever since. We’ve been through a lot together and supported each other through college and graduation.” “. Now, we are living together as we both start our careers. This Thanksgiving, our two families came to our house. For weeks, we talked about getting engaged in front of our families. We even went and looked at rings. I guess I was very naive when I assumed that he was going to buy one of those rings and propose to me after Thanksgiving dinner so that everyone could share in this very special moment for us families. pull out a ring at that time. He never did. No one else knew what I had suspected, so it wasn’t awkward or anything. But inside, I’m really upset because I feel like he almost told me a lie. and that he didn’t love me enough gh to be honest. And now I do not know what to do. I still love him. But I’m not going to be one of those women who lives with a man for decades and never marries him. I want to have children and be part of a family. I’m not ready to be a bride for long. That I have to do?”
Unfortunately, I couldn’t make up my mind what this woman should do. That was a decision that only she could make. But she might give you some ideas that she could use to help her make a decision.
Make a clear inventory: First of all, he had to wonder if anything had really changed. Yes, things felt extremely shaken up. But at the end of the day, she was still with a man that she loved very much and that she was sure that she loved her too. Yes, she didn’t have the proposal that she wanted and that was extremely disappointing. But honestly, nothing said there wasn’t going to be a proposal at some point in the future.
I may not agree, but to me the central question seems to be whether she was willing to walk away from the man she loved over a difference of opinion that could eventually be resolved. Before she decides to walk away and throw her whole story at her (which for the most part was happy), she might want to have an open and honest conversation with her boyfriend to see if they can come to some commitment.
How to put your cards on the table in a way that strengthens your relationship instead of damaging it: Many people are reluctant to talk about this because it is so painful. Also, they are afraid of what they might hear when they ask the question ‘why don’t you want to marry or propose to me?’ You don’t always have to say it like that directly. Instead, you might want to say something like, “I’m sure you know I was disappointed that you didn’t propose on Thanksgiving. I really thought you would. And it hurts me that you didn’t warn me.” In advance that this was not going to happen. Are you willing to share with me what stopped you? Because I think that if we both understand the other person’s point of view, maybe we can come to a compromise that satisfies us. both of them. I love you and would never want this to damage our relationship. But I think it’s only fair that I know what to expect. Can we sit down and talk about this?
Yes, there is a chance that your boyfriend will tell you that he thinks you are too young, or inexperienced, or not yet financially secure enough to commit. But as difficult as it may be to hear this, he gives you tools with which he can negotiate. If he says they’re not settled on his career yet, ask him how long he thinks they both need to settle down. If his answer was, say, a year, isn’t it better to wait a year and get your commitment than walk away from the man and relationship you love and that has served you for years?
So even though I couldn’t tell this person what to do, it’s probably obvious that I think it makes sense to have a very open conversation about this before walking away. You may be pleasantly surprised with the result and this is preferable to just walking away and wondering what could have been.