Empowering change empowering Tech

From Rosemont, Ill. Original air date: 05/17/09

Umaga d. CM Punk, Samoan Spike–pin (***1/2).

So why does Umaga beat Pepsiman anyway? The hometown rule applies here anyway, as Punk gets the job done, though otherwise it was a pretty good start with plenty of nifty spots like G2S countered on a Samoan drop. I don’t understand WWE’s obsession that his talent ALWAYS lose in his hometown, unless you’re Jim Ross then you’re embarrassed on a grand scale.

ECW Champion Christian d. Jack Swagger, handful of stockings — pin (***1/2).

I really enjoyed this match and loved it when Christian jumped off the top rope over Swagger and ran the other way haha… classic Christian. The end came when Swagger went for the rending powerbomb, but Xian turned, went for the kill switch, as Swagger walked away, then Xian rolled up, with a handful of FTW tights and to continue the feud. I guess Christian is the dirtiest new player in the game. It’s kind of a lame ending though. Too bad Christian isn’t “popular” enough to have a clean win.

Meanwhile, Edge and Chavo argue. Edge told Chavo to do something about the transvestite who called his aunt a pig. Edge is amazing and one of the best actors in WWE. He can make a mediocre promotion amazing by the way he delivers it.

John Morrison D. Shelton Benjamin, Starship Pain — Pine (***).

Sadly, Charlie Haas has given up on the spoofing trick. While I’m excited to see the greatest tag team in the world assembled, The Great Charli > WGTT. Regardless, this was a good match, but it was missing something. Maybe it was the crowd; they didn’t seem to be buying Nitro as a face. Anything great things in the end as both guys hit some beautiful spots and in the end Nitro wins with his indy flippy spinny move. Both guys need more game time; they can put on a great show.

The comedy segment saw The Miz square off at Jack Alfonso Soriano at ringside and mentions Jannetty (which was a good reference), a bunch of Ducks, Chicago Cubs and SMH. Then, strangely, Santino saves Soriano and calls him The Fiz. The two funniest fighters on Raw against each other? They should keep that going. A Miz-Santino fight would be priceless.

Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio d. Chris Jericho in shorts, 619 — pin (***).

Jericho is getting stale, he should go back to his smarmy and arrogant ways from his WCW days. Anyway, Jericho throws Mysterio around the ring like a rag doll and Rey is so small compared to Jericho, I don’t think Y2J can make this feud work because of it. Regardless, the match would have been average if Jericho hadn’t made the promo with the ‘guarantee’ that there wouldn’t be a 619; he gave the party a story. And usually he hates Mysterio’s matches, because they’re so formulaic, but that was a good match, thanks to Jericho. Rey is a total shell of his old self, though. The announcers talk about him being a “high flyer” but he hardly does anymore. He should retire to be able to walk in 10 years.

Flying Batista d. WWE Champion Randy Orton without hair, attacking the referee — DQ (*1/2).

Finally, a potty break match. Orton may be fine, but he needs someone to help him, and that man is not Batista. The same goes for Batista. They just cancel each other out. Regardless, there was considerable RKO chanting and this was not a pro-DAVE crowd. This match just sucked the energy out of the show. Both types are like video game characters. Repetitive movements, awkward animations, excessive normal mapping, and sometimes a victim of lag. If Orton’s finishing move was a headlock, he would win every match. The end came when Orton deliberately got himself disqualified, attacking the referee in a cheap ending. Those kinds of finishings make you wonder why he didn’t slap the ref two seconds into the game and walk away. After the game, Legacy went down to attack Big Dave, but a 90-year-old man manages to save him. Wow. Damn Flair, stay back.

John Cena with odds to win d. The Big Show, attitude adjustment — pin


I love how it looks like Cena is about to cry when he’s looking down. Cena Sucks’ singing is much louder as it should be. And if I had a dollar for every time they said “No one evokes more emotion outside of the WWE Universe than John Cena.” and “The World’s Greatest Athlete.” Just for this match I could buy WWE 100 times over. And man, it’s amazing how quickly and severely this PPV went from a possible PPV of the year to a complete nap fest. Anyway, in the end, Cena overcomes adversity and by God I’m so inspired! Miracles happen! Yes, a boring game. So if Cena is Superman, does that make having a good match with Big Show the kryptonite of him?

Edge World Champion d. Jeff Hardy, DDT from top rope — passer (***).

This has been a show where the champions come out first. The end came when Matt Hardy interfered and attacked Jeff, Cowboy Bob Orton style with an arm in a cast. This was a good match until Matt Hardy came out. Judgment Day ends and there is no punk or cash, just credits. I guess the hometown rule is still in effect. Still Edge is still the champion, so all is right with the world.

Man of the Night: Miz – He’s certainly upped his game recently and I love it. We’ve needed a “get under your skin” heel in the worst way; it’s so annoying and yet you can’t stop watching it because it takes trash talk to a whole new level.

Death Threat of the Night: Flair – Seriously, he should stay retired. I hope this is something unique and that he doesn’t fight again.

Best match of the night: Xian v. Swagger – great game.

Worst match of the night: Dinner v. Show – boring party.

Jobber of the Night: Punk losing two consecutive PPVs. I guess CM Punk didn’t drink his Natural Pepsi before the match.

Squash of the Night: So Legacy has been completely dismantled by a 39-year-old non-wrestler and a 60-year-old retired wrestler. Good writing, WWE. The only time I liked Legacy was when Orton kissed Stephanie because he didn’t expect it. Otherwise, Legacy has suffered from bad writing, poor promotions, and horrible matches.

Point of the Night Burnt: Mysterio took what looked like a bad knockdown, although he looked good afterwards, but for a second I thought he was lost.

Surprise of the night: Edge-Hardy goes last and Punk does not charge.

Over: The meeting with Matt Hardy was unnecessary.

Homo-erotic moment: Cole and Lawler acting surprised when Cena won; “He went for the impossible…and somehow he did it!” / “Win Without Fear!” / “Cena has turned a lot of people into believers tonight!”

Fuck the Smarks: No Punk, and a pointless encounter with Matt. WWE is dragging some of these stories too long.

Quotable Quotes: “That chair is always dangerous!” — Michael Cole during the WWE title match.

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