Are you afraid to send that email to a co-worker who you seem to be not getting along with? Having trouble thinking of what to say to the casting director you’ve agreed to meet? Worried about the conversation you need to have with your roommates about delegating chores?
Well fear not: here are some tips for effective communication and making even the most challenging conversations a breeze.
There will always be meetings and conversations that we don’t want to have. Maybe the topic is complicated or maybe the person you are talking to is well known for being a beast in the office. You may want to report something that you feel is being overlooked or ignored. The truth is, there are a lot of situations that can make our hair stand on end when we think about the best way to communicate our needs, feelings, and the truth. But speaking from the heart, and doing it with good intentions, will always be the best answer to any bad situation. The trick is in how to do it effectively, so that the person you are communicating with can not only understand where you are coming from, but also feel respected and heard.
First, get involved in active listening. (Almost every grade you receive in acting class will ring true for your entire life; that’s great, right? After all, your acting classes DID teach you business!) Challenge yourself to pay close attention to the other person. Encourage them to talk. Give them space to express their concerns, opinions, and ideas. A person who feels heard will feel respected and will be less defensive. Many therapists and counselors recommend using the phrase “I hear you” to reiterate and connect. Give it a try, mean it, and see how your interaction changes.
Second, start with the end in mind. Franklin Covey talks a lot about this in his book 7 Habits for Highly Successful People. Before diving headlong into the flames, take a moment to think about the desired outcome of the meeting. Do a little homework beforehand and ask yourself: if the conversation ran according to your perfect ideal, what would happen? What would you achieve? What do you want to happen? (Sound familiar, actors? What’s your goal?) Starting with the end in mind will help you start thinking about what you want AND help you come up with tactics to achieve that end. Not only will you notice your tone and voice, but you will also discover that you have a clear direction and direct line for your conversation. Often times, you will find that many issues that you considered a high priority will no longer be as important as you thought. So take a few minutes to think about what you want and think of some tactics that will help you get there!
Third, remove the emotion and look for the hard facts. Another great result of starting with the end in mind is that it creates distance from your emotions and identifies the facts in a situation. Controlling your emotions at the door is also helpful in staying calm in stressful situations. As artists, our emotions are the very things that fuel our art, but to be effective communicators, we have to be willing to let those emotions go. Emotions charged with personal attachment make us defensive, closed, and irrational. Emotions are attached to the ego, and when we are really trying to connect with another person, we have to be willing to let go of our ego. Identifying your emotions and the feelings you have about a situation is the first step in letting go. You can then better identify the facts as you see them in a situation and present them clearly and objectively.
Most important of all is this: trust yourself. Have a little faith in yourself. Trust that you know when to speak and that you will learn to improve in the art of communication. Life is about practice; it’s true for our business as well as our art. So go ahead and get started. Start small if you want. Try some of the techniques here and see how they affect your intrapersonal relationships. Have that conversation with your girlfriend that you’ve been putting off. Speak up at the next meeting when your instincts tell you that it is correct. Send that email to the director you had a fight with. Remember, we are always going to work with people we don’t like. We will always have difficult conversations. It is the way we choose to deal with those difficult situations that make us smart. And that, business lovers, is exactly what they are.