Beware of narcissists trying to vacuum you out. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many will not let you go, even when they are the one leaving the relationship, and even when they are with a new partner. They won’t take “no.”
They vacuum in an attempt to rekindle the relationship or remain friends after a breakup or divorce. Research showed that narcissists and psychopaths tend to stay friends with their ex for selfish reasons. They try to stay in your life or seduce you and convince you to come back. They will do whatever it takes to lure you back.
This behavior is called hoovering after the famous Hoover vacuum, because when you’re finally free of the abusive relationship, you get sucked back in.
Be prepared for a bait and switch maneuver. Being expert manipulators, narcissists know your vulnerabilities.
They appeal to your emotions with cries for help, romantic gestures, messages or cards or gifts on significant dates or anniversaries. They try to seduce you with financial support, feigned sympathy, pleas, jealousy, sex, words of love, or promises of reform. They may send veiled messages through social media posts, arrange “chance” meetups at their local hot spots, or employ “flying monkeys” (friends and family) to bid on their behalf. When that doesn’t work, they use threats, guilt, and shame to wear you down.
If you still love or feel affection for your ex and are hopeful that the relationship can improve, you are vulnerable to being sucked in again. Victims of violence frequently return, only to be abused again. Do not be fooled. If you stay strong, they can show their true colors and go on the attack.
Why Hoover Narcissists
Narcissists who are motivated by power are game players, and this is just another power game. Therefore, vacuuming is completely predictable, because for narcissists relationships are transactional. They lack empathy and the ability to see you as a separate human being. Instead of wanting a relationship for sentimental reasons, they care about themselves and seek access to resources, such as sex, money, information, status, or love. Its impetus is pragmatic and its own dependency.
They need your narcissistic supply. His fragile ego needs constant reassurance and attention to avoid feeling his inner emptiness, like a vampire that sucks the blood of its victims, and they need a lot of it. Male narcissists, in particular, may switch from one woman to another for validation and/or sex.
Also, if it wasn’t your decision to leave, you can’t tolerate rejection. Because of their underlying shame and insecurity, they find it humiliating. Instead of accepting that you “quit,” they go on the offensive and “fire” you. Similarly, they often spread lies by murdering your character and turning family and friends against you in order to elevate themselves in the eyes of others.
Once they’re gone, in order to regain their self-esteem and power, they may try to win you back. Just knowing that you are thinking of them or that you will talk to them soothes their wounded ego. If you go back, as soon as they feel safe, they’ll take you down or split up to reverse the narrative.
to do
Vacuuming can be very harmful. Narcissists confuse you with lies and distortions to enlighten you for their own purposes. Perpetuate the narcissistic abuse you have endured. Due to previous relationship dynamics, you may be easily swayed by false promises, gestures, fear, or threats if you don’t agree, or you may succumb to shame and guilt that you have been made to feel so unworthy and lucky. get your ex back in your life. His vulnerability is increased through the bond with the trauma, which makes it very difficult to leave an abuser.
Remember that narcissism is a personality disorder. A narcissist will not change for you and certainly not without years of focused therapy. You have to put yourself first and raise your self-esteem.
© Darlene Lancer 2021